I have always dreamt of giving the things I never had. I never had a man give me a “sex talk” as an adolescent, I never had a man tell me “it will be alright” after I messed up, and most of all, I never had a man tell me “I am proud of you” as a teen. These things hurt my growth as I got validation from other outlets, outlets that were never meant to guide the mindset of a young man. I listened to my peers who were no more experienced than I was; I listened to my mom who could never understand the weight of a man while trying her best to make up for the absence of a man; I listened to lust, pride, and so many other emotions. Now I did have a big brother, but we were 7 years apart and he had his own battles to deal with. By the grace of God, I made it to my 30’s and worked relentlessly to unlearn years of misguided tutelage. Throughout my journey into manhood, I continued to dream. I dreamt of becoming a husband and a father some day.
Today is an important day, because it marks the close of yet another relationship. It was not your ordinary relationship; I actually got engaged. I dated a woman for 5 months, made up my mind, and 6 months later, called the wedding/engagement off. This was by far my most fruitful relationship to date, as it was the first time I had ever stayed in a relationship for over 6 months (I know it sounds awful lol). I learned a lot from this woman during this time, like how to properly use a facial toner, how to accept a gift, how to multi-task, amongst other things. We were so close, and I was even closer to the dream I have prayed incessantly for, but I halted the process 6 months prior to the wedding. This was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made in my life. Everyone was onboard for this destination event, deposits had been made, and flights had been purchased. I was frightened and did what I always do when fear creeps in, I prayed. At this point, you are probably wondering what the reason for calling off the wedding was. Simply put, we had differences that led to ongoing arguments and ultimately were left unresolved. As exciting as it sounds to divulge descriptive details, that has no bearing on my growth and healing. After praying, I postponed and later called it off. There is no handbook for calling off a wedding/engagement, and I realize my partner had dreams as well. I shattered those dreams and for the past two going on close to three months, the fallout has resembled shrapnel.
I accept my responsibility in my role in yet another failed relationship. Some of our differences could have been resolved if I hadn’t been so ambitious in realizing my dream. I can also work on my reactions as I can be tone deaf when it comes to hearing things I believe are not correct. Trust me, if this was meant to be an apology, I would be digging myself a deeper grave lol. There is NO apology that makes up for calling off a wedding and I wouldn’t wish this on any man. I wrote this for finality sake as I understand God hasn’t written me off yet. I still dream of the day when I take those vows, I still dream of the day when I have my 1st child, and I still believe God has already decreed my story. That’s why its no coincidence I get to continue practicing love with my nephews and nieces, I get to practice love with my family and friends, and yes, I got to practice love in my relationship.
“Practicing is the only way you can make your desired skill, your best friend. Practice helps you with focusing better on your skills; it enables you to understand your art better and give you time to reflect upon your shortcomings to improve them with time.”
With that being said, the work is getting done, and I will remain a fearless lover.
I still love Love.