By We meet, we date, and we fall in love to live happily ever after. Why can’t it always be this easy? What happens when you are dating someone and it goes up in flames? (For this post, anything less than marriage is a failed relationship). I find it sad when someone gives up on love after a derailed relationship. The primal premise of dating is to figure out if you can spend the rest of your life with someone isn’t it? Realizing someone isn’t for you shouldn’t be a sentencing to infinite solitude.
Now, I may be wrong about the reason to date, and if so, what exactly is dating? I think we all can agree, you should date someone before marrying them. Unless you are severely paternalistic, there isn’t much of an argument here. Why then is the breakup something where the two people who cared for each other feel the need to bash love and pretend to welcome the oh so glorious and anticipated single life? Society has praised the trial and error method in terms of business: most of your mentors will testify about how their failures led them to greener pastures. I view relationships the same way; blessed to have gained more experience, and smart enough to know when the trip has taken its toll.
Truth be told, failed relationships hurt! It takes progressive/additional energy to put your heart on the line and it always seems like this new breakup is the conclusion of love itself. We catch ourselves wishing we can reverse every smile we planted on our ex’s face only to realize that it hurts us more when we devise our revenge. Seriously! We stalk our exes social media accounts, do complete makeovers only to be momentarily acknowledged by our ex and ask unusual questions to friends (was he/she there? Did she look happy? Was her hair done etc.). It hurts us, so we figure the best thing to do is swear to never love again.
This post is close to home because I have a friend who expressed her lack of faith in love after going through a breakup. I thought she was delirious as she is a Christian, and as Christians we believe there is always a way when God is involved. Outside of her spiritual belief, love is an abstract feeling that is serendipitous! In simpler terms, it is very hard to time love; it can arrive at any moment. We just have to make sure we give ourselves a chance to love again (this doesn’t mean hop on Tinder). We do this by getting back to our internal happy place. We all have that “place,” that is not tied to a person. For me, it involves writing, reading, fresh shape ups and working out. I want to discern between internal and external happy places: external happy places usually cannot be shared due to their indecent nature (drugs, porn, sex, stealing etc.)
Having trouble figuring out your internal happy place? Peer back into your childhood! Every child had something they remember that was pure fun. Take time away from your busy schedule and just reminisce. Maybe you are not able to watch cartoons all day, but Dragon Ball Super comes on every Saturday for 30 minutes so I can feed my childish side just a bit!!! Ok, I got a little too excited, but do you get my point?
My advice to anyone going through a rough break up, relinquish the thought of never being able to love again, even if you dont feel that way, just say to yourself “next time will be better.” The other thing is to find your internal happy place and run to it. It might even be as childish as a cartoon, but just enjoy the moment. The key to handling a breakup in my opinion is to do what you have to do to cope now so you don’t miss out on what’s in store for you later, all without tainting your heart. The last thing I will recommend to do is simply give up and let God takeover. Challenge God by serving Him relentlessly and begging for his intervention. The best and undefeated matchmaker is the big man Himself .
Going through something and think my advice is complete bullshit? Like my advice? Please leave a comment and I’ll be glad to learn from you or further opine on my thoughts.
**Thank you to my lovely nephew JRW for the featured image!
Long Live Tobe 
thank u so much for this
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You are very welcome. Thanks for reading!
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I’m 36 and just got out of a 5 month relationship. I get really attached very fast and get hurt very easily, which is why after my one before that was when I was 19 and refused to date, ever again. So, I put my walls up high and thick and was cautious of where I would go out to. Somehow she slipped through a crack and eventually realized we don’t click, wasn’t to each other just didn’t click. It made me realize that I either just don’t know how to be in a relationship anymore or cant and don’t know how to be in one anymore. Either way, I have put my wall up so high now that no girl will ever get through them and that even if they can get to the point of testing them as I do not go out anymore. I go home and go to work and refuse to hang out with anyone anymore, even friends. Its the only sure way to protect myself.
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It’s ok to feel this way Kyle, but just know that there will be someone that comes along when we least expect it and makes the bad memories fade. Have faith!
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The thing is, I don’t want to be with anyone anymore. That is the conclusion I came to. I don’t blame her, I blame myself for not having my walls high and thick enough to prevent myself from getting into a relationship. Which is why I have made them thicker and higher. Like I said, I don’t go out anymore. My walls and precautions worked for 16 years, with what I have done now, they should work for the rest of my life.
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