I had not seen my father since I was maybe eight years old. My parents went through an unofficial separation, with my mom taking me and my siblings with her. Unofficial is the courteous way of describing that separation. Fast forward 15 yrs. later, my older sister reached out to me saying “dad wants to speak to you.” I took his number down reluctantly and knew I wasn’t going to use it. I didn’t expect him to call either, but he did and to no reception. I just let it ring.
“I’m a grown ass man dawg.” “Fuck he gonna tell me now, when he wasn’t there for me as a kid?” These thoughts probed my mind as I let the phone ring. It was just another missed call until I got news of his death.
When I heard the news I was confused. I didn’t know what emotions to have. I went unperturbed for about an hour and then lost it. Tears flowed and I asked God for forgiveness. I never forgave my dad. He wasn’t in my life and I always wanted to make him regret it. I wanted to be more successful than him and never let him have the joy of saying “that’s my son.” What a selfish and vengeful thought! My father was not perfect, but he was God’s tool in cultivating me. I am always indebted to him for that and wish I could have this moment back.
Sometimes in life we find it hard to let go! People hurt us and we say we forgive them in our minds but keep contempt in our hearts. From one man to another, forgive your family before it’s too late. I always pray that my father knew deep down that I respected and loved him. I just wasn’t mature enough to show it.
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